Wednesday, November 24, 2004

I got $20 on it. You?

So. Apparently, titty bars are a rather popular subject of thought amongst us. And, I must say, a pretty good source of debate and strong opinion. I am curious as to WHY others go? And what others believe to be the reason WHY others go.

I shall start with my own reasons for going.

To begin, the “Gentlemen’s Club” is a place of tradition. Much like twice-a-year Catholics to church, I visit them periodically, whenever the tradition calls. Bachelor parties are the most common reason to go. This is done in order to send off the bachelor in the most debaucherous environment allowed by law. It is more ceremonial than it is a necessity, but that is what the tradition calls for, so that is what we bachelors deliver. As the Best Man for a couple of weddings, I am familiar with the inner-workings of these places in reference to bachelor parties, and I can assure you that there is much more ceremony than there is anything else.

Other traditions include:
1) getting fired from a job
2) getting hired for a job
3) getting dumped by a broad
4) friend getting dumped by a broad
5) won the lotto
6) someone else won the lotto next to you in line at HEB
7) becoming a “Made” man in the local mafia
8) Grand opening of your own titty bar

This is just a short list. There are many other traditional reasons to bother with the cash-hungry coke-heads, naked “on stage two”.

Beyond tradition, there is the comfort level a man can attain while there. Only in a boob-joint is it completely acceptable to do all things “manish”. Scratch whatever you want, whenever you want. Fart as much as you please (the girls do too, see previous post), as the baby-powder all over the place covers up any stench. You can stare at a naked woman, in comfort, with the eyes of a deranged psychopath without fearing the authorities… your entry-fee covered your right to covet such sights. All the chairs are plush and inviting. The waitresses bring you more liquor BEFORE your current cup runeth empty. There is some funny dude in the bathroom that will do anything from shine your shoes to change your fucking oil while you pee, and he always tells witty jokes. Last but not least, the food really is not that bad, and it is usually dirt cheap.

So. To sum up my intentions when entering a boob-vendor:

1) Tradition, happily compels me
2) I can do no wrong while there.
3) Everything is designed to comfort my manhood.

Purposes I HAVE NEVER HAD when entering a ta-ta dispenser:

1) Talk to strippers about their lives
2) Have strippers ask me about my life
3) Have strippers act like they enjoy “the real me”
4) Find a girlfriend
5) Find a wife
6) Find a fuck
7) Find a fucking girlfriend that wants to be my wife
8) Score some good drugs
9) Get rid of that pesky $1000 that won’t go away

Now, WHAT are YOUR reasons for going? Or, WHY do you think OTHER people bother going? Hit me up.


Anonymous said...

I don't think anybody should go to those places. And if I ever found out my boyfriend DID go, whether for a bachelor party or whatever, I would be PISSED. Besides, if a guy is ready to get married, why does he need to spend his so called last night of 'freedom' looking at other women? Shouldn't he be content with his bride to be?

dungsta said...

reasons i go to titty bars;

1) get away from females that i normally hangout with so i can have straight shooting convesation with buddy's without the female censorship, though i may use the word "bitch", my boys know im not refering to all women.

2) remind myself what a naked women looks and feels like. I don't date, i don't "hook up", relationships are off limits, so thats really my only opportunity to get a 3-D reminder why im attracted to women.

3) Blow off steam, there is something specifically inherent to a titty bar that people tend to be more about "fun" than plain old drinking. i like to drink like the next guy, but not just cause its friday or cause we ended up at a bar, i wanna drink to celebrate not because thats the social thing to almost 30.

4)ammuse myself with the chumps that take it serious....

5)conversation about nothing in general, its interesting to see what a perfect stranger thinks is interesting about you....this is not to be mis-construed as me thinking they care, caring has no price.

6) sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name and they're always glad you came....

7) its nice to tell a girl who is like physically a "10", no thanks.

8) sometimes its fun to play with their minds, "im falling for you schtick, really i am, when im done paying your rent i promise to pay your tuition, your the one for me (after your best friend rides my stiffy, sorry i gotta go, my girlfriend is waiting for me at home."

9)nice to get the curiosity quenched

10) its nice to find something attractive about someone you never would think twice of, makes you feel like you really are a nice guy whose all about whats on the inside, later the guilt keeps you in check.

Sean said...

To the anonymous commentor:

That's the last time the bachelor will even fantasize about sex. Let him bury his dreams in the comfort of friends and titties.

carmenjayne said...

I was the beslubbering clothole on that anoncom. I had to do something to get the debate rolling!

Truecraig said...

Yes, Ramdung. Yes. Let the honesty floweth from the maweth. I deeg it mon.

Anon/babu - I don't mind anyone posting anonymously. I assume that other folks do the same. Seems kinda trifling though. Just a thought.

Two tits/Bankbro - I agree with you 100%. However, you avoided the question.

Sean said...

why do I go? because other guys are going and I want to hang out with them. Never been to one by myself.

Why do other guys go? Beats me. Beat off?

I went to the doctor a few weeks back. She slipped the stethoscope under my shirt, and her hand brushed up against my bare chest. It was a soft, warm contrast to the cold metal of the stethoscope. It felt really nice. I realized that was the first time a woman had touched my bare chest in nearly a year. I was like, "oh yeah, that's what's so great about women." She wasn't hot or anything, it was just the attention that was nice. My pulse quickened a bit as a result of this so maybe she thinks I have a heart condition.

Anyways if I got to run my own gentleman's club, the girls wouldn't strip. They'd just stick their hands under my shirt and write me scripts for antibiotics. Oh and they'd all have postgrad degrees in something I don't understand and they'd wear glasses. I'm going to stop now.

Truecraig said...

That was one of the best reasonings I have read thus far. Word to the "librarian look". Hella tight.