Friday, June 03, 2005

No, I don't know the way. So what?

I don't deserve to write guides for anything. There's a certain pretension associated with guide-writing. You're basically claiming to be the shit, if you're writing a 'how to' guide on any subject. Seeing as how I have successfully managed to avoid mastering a damn thing whilst traveling this blue dot, it hardly seems reasonable that I would want to write guides for anything. I mean, I really don't know very much.

Yet, it seams [okay, 'seems' is better, but I hate editing. I hate spelingk even mo] to me that everyone else is equally ignorant of all things outside of themselves. So they search for perspective. And a good source of perspective would be other people's guides to things. Because really, it is just an opinion on a subject, no matter how 'expert' it may be deemed. So... fuck it. I'd like to write some guides. If I ever get beyond the task of picking out a list of potential guides (done), and actually pen one out (doubtful completion), then I'll write a goddamn guide on how to do THAT too. Man, this "guide" thing sure is easy!

Craig’s guide to floating down a river in an old-ass inner tube.

Craig’s guide to avoiding drunk driving.

Craig’s guide to efficient grocery shopping.

Craig’s guide to music critique.

Craig’s guide to wine tasting.

Craig’s guide to corner cutting.

Craig’s guide for the best tourist experience.

Craig’s guide to easing a horrific hang over.

Craig’s guide to dealing with boners in public places.

Craig’s guide to avoiding pushing crack dealers.

Craig’s guide to admitting that you’re so fucking wrong.

Craig’s guide to making any situation entertaining. For yourself.

Craig’s guide to dealing with drunk assholes.

Craig’s guide to being a drunk asshole.

Craig's guide to dealing with fine-ass women who get on your last nerve.

Craig's guide to arguing with yourself and winning.

Craig's guide to water sports and dancing to polka music.

Craig's guide to collegiate-style party planning.

Craig's guide to birth control.

Craig's guide to modern-day spiritualism and Alabama voting rights.

Craig's guide to shutting Craig the fuck up.

Poof.

3 comments:

carmenjayne said...

I'd like to read some of these so called Craig's guides. Something tells me that I may read about what not to do, and get a few laughs in the process.

Anonymous said...

One please on "Craig's guide to corner cutting". I know i'll get some use out of that! Hook it up bro!
brother nick

Truecraig said...

If I can get beyond this most recent bout with laziness, I will write some of these guides. My prediction is that they will be of no use. To anyone. Except perhaps the authorities.