Invented Negotiation Scenarios

For a commissioned work of art.

“Alright, so what I’m looking for here is something…” [fiddles with pants]

“Are you unzipping your corduroys?”

“Something… yes, I am. Something like… this.” [pointing at own junk]

[incredulous, physically disturbed] “You’re serious.”

[offended, sincere] “Dead serious. I’m proud of what I’ve done in life.”

“What you’ve done? But that’s your dick.”

“I know what it is, thank you.”

“So you’ve done your [air quotes] dick, and you’re proud of that or what?”

“No, I meant, well yes of course, but that is not what I’m…” [lost in thought]

“You want to immortalize your life’s work by way of me immortalizing your pud.”

“Yes, but like, really abstract. Like, craaaazy abstract!”

“Umm hmmm…” [obviously not interested in doing piece]

“However abstract you want,” [still flashing junk around] “except, much bigger.”

[reanimated, but quaintly so] “Ah. I was going to recommend that if you didn’t.”


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For a snow cone in New Orleans summer heat.

“How much do these run?”

“Uhdollah.”

“What’s that?”

“Uhdollah.”

“I’m sorry, but what does that mean? Is that American money?”

“Uhndollah. Uh-dollah. Wundollah. Uhn-hunred-pehnneh.”

“A dollar? Is that what you intended to say?”

“Sheee-yit. Yeeah bub. Wundollah. Therzza lyyne, sah hurriedup naaw.”

[looking around to no one particular] “What the fuck did he just try to say to me? Theresa who? Wonder bra? What?”

[fourteen year old boy behind in line stabs patron in the right kidney with a muddy plastic knife, pushes him to the ground, and orders “uhnnadem bluwons”, which is apparently blueberry.]

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For two movie tickets to see a movie, knowing it will be utter crap.

“Two to see Tomb Raider III.”

“That’ll be fifteen dollars please.”

“Fifteen? Seriously? How about…” [digs in pockets with slight grin on face]

“Sir, it’s fifteen bucks. I can’t do deals here.”

“Oh come now. Everyone has their price, right!”

“Yes sir, and mine is fifteen bucks, for two tickets to the movie.”

“Sure, sure, sure. But what if I offered you THIS.” [tosses pile of things on to counter tray]

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. The trade is square. I am offering fair market value for our entrance to see this cinematic tour-de-farce.” [smiling triumphantly over at female companion]

“Is that an ATM receipt?”

“Yes, it is. And it isn’t even mine. I just used it to shell my used gum.”

[with one raised eyebrow] “And are those pennies?”

“Yep. They might be Canadian. If so, that’s a bonus for you.”

“And that is definitely a used Kleenex.”

“You are most certainly right my good man. Fresh deposits on that one. What with my allergies blowing up all over the place today. Score for you, right!”

“…”

“So. We have a deal here or what?”

“Let me get this straight. You want to trade four cents, a recently-used snot-rag, and already-chewed gum for two tickets to see the newest Tomb Raider movie? Seriously?”

“That is correct.”

[with piercing eyes and a pursed mouth] “…”

[still smiling triumphantly] “…”

[hastily grabbing items from tray and feverishly pocketing them] “Fuck YES. It’s theatre three, on your left-hand side. Enjoy it, suckers.”