Tuesday, March 29, 2005

You talkin' to ME?

I love the idea of nicknames. It allows your friends/family the opportunity to really beat your ass without actually touching you. No bruises or broken bones? No proof, fucker. By giving someone a nickname, you show them that you consider them. How you consider them is another story entirely.

My first nickname was ‘Bub’. My parents (father, specifically) called me that when I was a toe-headed tike. My brother got called that too, which made it cheap and confusing. My sister ended up with ‘Pumpkin’, or ‘Punkin’’. My niece inherited that nickname.

But I’m talking about ME here. ‘Bub’, specifically.

My brother soon decided it was time for me to have my own nickname. And with his deep knowledge of foreign language, his seven year-old mind made the hilarious connection: Craig –> Egg –> Juevos. And since ‘juevos’ also refer to testicles, my brother could not have been more pleased with himself. To this day, whenever I am at Fiesta and I wander by the chicken ovary section... I think of the unstoppable light emitting from my brother’s mug when he was told by someone that he was calling me ‘testicles’ in Spanish. I suppose we all have our moments of staggering glory. That was one of his.

From there, it was many years before anyone else bothered to label me anything other than ‘little shit’, ‘yard ape’, ‘mentally deficient’, ‘filthy’, or ‘goddammit boy’.

When I hit middle school, I got my first usable nickname. It was given to me by a girl named Kathlyne. I had a ridiculous and hopeless crush on her, which led me to write her pointless letters (folded into patterns and other busted-ass quasi-origami nonsense) which I intended as proof of my favor for her. It was all for not. I got a nickname instead of returned interest.


That’s what she called me. And I kept that nickname for years after that. My first DJ name was DJ PC. Wow. In the days of way-back.

But several others got thrown in there, just to spice it up. My seventh grade basketball team called me Benny Hill, as I was the chubbiest of the four white guys in attendance. I got called Casper a-lot too, as I am the whitest white boy to ever see sunlight.

High School brought a slew of nicknames, many of which I forget the origin.

Craig McMuffin
Craig Mack
Dickless Wonder
Where’s my goddamn money bitch?
Here, hold this
Shhhh… this is OUR little secret

You know, the standard stuff.

But those are all on-the-spot nicknames, almost used out of convenience rather than inspiration. Some of my favorite nicknames are much better thought out, and none of them are mine.

Twelve Poke.
This nickname was given to a friend of mine who, at some high school party (I met him long after high school), got piss drunk and convinced some girl to make out with him in a closet. When his friends finally opened the door, to answer the muffled shouts, they found him passed out on top of the girl who was wedged into a laundry hamper. The assumption being, he poked her twelve times and then passed out.

Hawk-Bo. He was a lanky, scrawny, brainy fellow with very few friends in middle school. The guy’s last name was Hawkins. Somehow or another, it got shortened to ‘Hawk’, and then some douche balloons thought it would be uber-ironic to make him a super hero. So they would call him up, sing the stupid name to him as if it were the arrival of some DC Comics character, and hang up. I liked it because they built a story around the thing. Other than that, it kinda sucks, I guess.

Brother Nick. I don’t know where the ‘Brother’ part came from. I don’t know who decided on it. But what makes this one so great, is that while we were working together after college, our boss actually started to refer to Nick as “Brother Nick”. It was as if the nickname had been officially validated. You can’t fuck with that.

I love nicknames. Let’s hear some nicknames!


Devil in a red dress named liz said...

Too funny. Ok, my sister calls me "Meesh" after a place called Meecham House that she saw in a movie. I never got the association. Only she calls me this and i've come to think of it as very endearing. Better than being called "House"

My SO was named Humpy in high school and old friends still call him that. He will not tell me why but I have my suspicions. We all know what that means, right? He has an Uncle named Mealy for some reason.

My parents always referred to my boyfriends as "the jerk" or "Wayne the Brain" or "God's Gift". You get the picture. No one was ever good enough!

dungsta said...

the original incantation;


Ah-RamDung (sung in the voice of shaba Ranks)

various A.K.A.'s;

in private school;
Tulip, Warmeshram

At American Title;

In college;

toad, Blacklung, Sake boy, SAI

At home;

every girlfriend ive ever had;

they all gravitate to "sweetie" but get there from different starting points (odd)

Calculus in College (UH)

"Type Rameshwar"

Truecraig said...

Red Dressed Devil: 'Humpy' is a great name. If I had a pet camel, that's what I'd call it (if it boned a-lot). My girlfriends' parents never gave me nicknames. Well, unless you consider 'penitentiary bound', 'hostile delinquent', 'stop-gap measure', or 'my daughter must hate me' to be proper nicknames.

Kidding. Maybe.

Dungsta: I have always appreciated your nicknames, all throughout their evolution(s). In fact, it was your nickname which probably inspired this particular post. My ex-girlfriends called me 'bear' (due to tendency toward daily hibernation), 'stinky' (because it tends to be true), and 'baby' (I guess: because I throw temper tantrums and my ass-skin is sooooo soft).

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA! Don't forget about Craig-A-ROO or my favorite, Marshmallow.
Man I forgot where my nickname came from, thats funny. I only have a few current nicknames like "f*cking jerk" or "m*ther f*cking asshole", go figure, The other name givin to me from friends in the auto industry "nick-gyver" after the television show. They said that I have an ability to (ghetto)"rig" some crazy stuff on cars. Buddy, did I fool them!

brother nick

Truecraig said...

Marshmallow? Wha? You crazy Chinaman! Where did that come from? Oh, whatever. Sounds like a nickname I would have.

Remember "Apple-Head"? Or "Mr. Swank"? I hope someone else does besides me...

Anonymous said...

I am hooked on YOU - i just accidentally ended up on you one day, looking up stuff for LE'CHICAN (aka Chicken George aka Jeff and my pal since 6th grade) and i got you. ANYWAYS i am here now BUB and besides the stuff i hated, the RHYMES - MUSTY - i hated it - then there was MISTY PISTY (it is starting to sound like i am a gross little girl, it couldn't be farther from the truth, hahahah - ANYWAYS now i get cute stuff like M LA MAGIC, M LA MAGIC STICK (no i don't have a stick), MA, MISS, MISSY, SWEET GIRL, SWEETS, BABYCAKES (my fav, my mommy gave it) - well check ya later EASY WRITER!!


Truecraig said...

Hello MISTY!

Another Chicken George fan! He spins here at Red Fez on Fridays, and Oslo on Saturdays. He is a busy, busy man. His live stuff is more for the 'party people'. His mix CDs are much more downtempo. He is a true craftsman. A testament to the art of mixing.

I found one of his stickers on a lamp post in Amsterdam. I'll get that photo posted as soon as I find the damn thing...

Debbie said...

That's funny, I have also been called "Shhhh, this is our little secret"

Glitzy said...

hah hah :)
I think my favorite one is 'Here, hold this'