Thursday, August 11, 2005

Just Like Camp. Damnit.

I’ve been showering in my back yard for the past two days, and it has not been as sweet as I had initially imagined it. In my mind, I would go out there, fire up the hose, get all wet and soapy, and naked chicks would just pop out of nowhere, excited by my wet-skinned manliness .

Needless to say, it didn’t quite go down like that. More like, my 40-something neighbor pulled up in his Volvo and was like, “hey, uh, Craig. You know I have kids that play out here, right? What the hell are you doing?”

I’m sure you’re wondering the same thing. Well, for any judgmental assholes out there, I am not some exhibitionistic, lecherous cretin (well, I'm not lecherous anyhow). I was wearing my sweaty-ass jogging shorts on both occasions, because I’m sensitive to the gag reflexes of my neighbors. I have been re-grouting the tile in my shower, which takes 48 hours to cure, and I run four miles every other day. I HAD to clean my stankin’ ass, my kitchen sink is far to small, and the front yard seemed like a wholly inappropriate place to take care of my personal hygiene. Even though, my neighbors cut hair and wash their babies on their driveways. DOMINO, MOTHERFUCKERS!

We’re a tight community like that, but not tight enough for me to suds-up out front.

I got to take my first normal shower in two days, this morning. Oooooh it felt good. Warm water. My razor. Privacy. No more summer camp livin’ for me. But last week, pre-re-grout, the outdoors seemed like a reasonable option when compared to the moldy disaster that was my shower. You see, about a year ago, I noticed that the grout between the base shower pan and the wall tile was chipping out. Well, grouting is a pain in the ass (as evidenced by the backyard showering) so I said fuck it, and just bought some sealed caulk for the job. That shit dries over night. Presto! A year went by, and that caulk line turned into a dreadfully moldy filthy-shit line. Prest-nasty-o!

Stop, vomit time!

So I pulled all that shit out, bleached the affected areas, and re-grouted it. Now it needs to be sealed. That’ll take another 24 hours to cure. Sweet. Let’s hope the mosquitoes aren’t ravenous this weekend.

Damn I need a nap. And a million dollars.


Girl With An Alibi said...

We've had bathroom problems since we moved. We just lost one shower in the main house due the showerhead breaking off INSIDE the wall. Now you can smell all the mildew that's probably been growing in there for years. Fortunately we still have the shower in the masterbedroom; and the one in guest house if we get in a pinch.

Damn. I just realized how disgustingly elitist this sounds. Okay just hate me now. B)

Truecraig said...

There is nothing specifically elitist about having a guest house. Especially if all your guests are homeless, right? Right. So there's that.

Best of luck with shower issues!

Anonymous said...

You could have called me, I could help you hose off or wash your back. Oooooh lalaaaaah...
I myself just finished my bathroom with a fresh coat of paint, chalked the edges, replace sink and fixtures, and new shelving. Gold star for me! I was lucky that the grout is holding up. Replacing grout sucks the hairy one.

brother nick

Glitzy said...

now i've got mc hammer stuck in my head!!!!

xtx said...

that was excellent!

Truecraig said...

brother: You are a dirty, dirty man.

Glitz: Don't hurt 'em!!!

xtx: showering in the yard is always excellent. I would wish for a more dashing crowd the next time though. They left much to be desired.