Friday, May 13, 2005

I Have No Idea Either. Heeeelllloooooo...

10 Things That Make Me Want to Cry

A list by me. For you. To read.

1. Anyone older than sixty who wins the lotto. I mean, come on. The rest of us are still young enough to spend that loot on truly important shit. Like drugs, brand name clothing, and plastic surgery (for other people we hate to look at). Yes, I am a hater. And it makes me cry.

2. Looking down at the tiled floor of a public restroom to notice that I am standing in a puddle comprised of strangers’ urine. And my shoe is untied.

3. The movie: ‘Glory’. Denzel was the shit in that movie. Morgan Freeman is the shit no matter what he plies his thespian skillz in. That last battle scene… if you don’t get caught up in that moment, then you are a heartless robot. An unfeeling, cold-souled communist robot.

4. Unfeeling, cold-souled communist robots. I mean, how can you be so goddamn heartless? Assholes.

5. Peanut Butter M&Ms. I’m not big fan of candy, but those things are stupid delicious. They make me cry for two reasons: 1. I have thick and stumpy fingers which make opening that packaging a potential situation to stir up a nervous breakdown. If… I… could… just get this… stupid fucking… thing… open… oh to hell with it. I’m using my teeth (after a good cry). B) I know those assholes at Mars Candy are plotting the death of this, the most precious and bestest of the best candies. The sadness is sometimes… overwhelming.

6. Typing “You’re” when I should be typing “Your”. It’s just so stupid. I reserve the right to cry at my own stupidity. What else can I do with it? Stupidity is pretty worthless you know. Unless you’re on a reality television show.

7. Rabbits picking at a buzzard carcass in the street. Not that I’ve ever honestly witnessed this, but I imagine I would cry at that. I mean, aside from the one in The Holy Grail, aren’t those little bastards vegetarians? I shed a few over that for sure.

8. A crap that is so immense and intense that it actually stops a headache or kills a fever. I’ll cry right then and there. On the pot. I did today. Seriously. I feel like I’ve been given a new lease on life. Or at the least, a really good sublet for the summer.

9. Time Travel. I even capitalized that shit. You see how deep it is to me? That’s the real shit right there. Time. Travel. Hell, even switch them around and it’ll still cause me to quiver. Travel Time. Just mix it all up. Trimel Tave. As long as you keep those two Ts up front, I’m almost guaranteed to get misty. Wait, Time Travel? What the fuck am I talking about? I can't even take myself seriously any more. It's over between/amongst us from here on out.

10. Being so pathetically hungover that I: can’t eat breakfast, can’t piss clear all day, forgot to bring some important shit to work, babbled about carnivorous rabbits, and made the smashingly corky-ish claim that I cry over Time Travel (capitalized no less). I mean, that’s just… so sad. To me. About me.

Sweet jesus I need to act just a little less eighth-grade-ish. But when I get the feelin', I just RUN with it! Sometimes with scissors.

6 comments:

Debbie said...

Man, I feel you.

Truecraig said...

Woman, I feel felt.

xtx said...

#8...about the shit...or crap...i feel that way a lot of times, but because I'm a girl I can't admit it. I may talk about poo a lot on my blog, but honestly, I hold back a lot. it's true. i could compose poems about some groundbreakingly joyful dumps I've taken.

Truecraig said...

You should revel in your mad skills of turd construction. I broke my grandmother's plunger last weekend. Broke it. It was one of the greatest loads of processed booze-food to ever plug up the gaping maw of a porcelain pelican.

Stand up. Be proud. Be counted for your achievements. Some people take photos. There's a website. I'm too tired to look for it.

xtx said...

okay...that speech made me cry just a little...

thank you...

Truecraig said...

Just being supportive.