Thursday, May 12, 2005

obvious advice.

IRS: eight huge brains with massive analytical prowess, surrounded by layers and layers of call centers, manned by The Army of The One Extra Chromosome.

You probably already know this, but don't fuck with the IRS. Not just because they can find you under any rock you may hide, take your soul, and force your children to cough up dough on your behalf. Because really, that part is probably YOUR fault for making an error, or for (good lord forbid) textbook evasion. But really, you need to mind your p's and q's because if you ever have to 'work' with the IRS on ANYTHING (and I mean ANYTHING at all), they will slap you around like you're a two-dollar hooker the entire time they work with you.

They will 'lose' documents, if not temporarily, at inopportune times.
They will 'forget' to file things you send them.
They will neglect to utilize your (already dubious) auto-account debit.
They will not tell you when you are delinquent on a payment.
They will not tell you if they FORGOT to debit your payment.
They will accrue interest and penalties on you for their own 'mistakes'.
They will not answer any question you ask with a usable answer.
They will give you a different unusable answer for the same question, if asked twice.
They will give you a stack of work to do every time you call them.
They will give you work that amounts to a wild goose chase.
They will send you on a chase which ends when you lose your shit. Completely.

Then, they will storm-troop their way into your little life and break you into little bite-size pieces, blaming you for all the confusion.

So don't get on the wrong side of them. Unless you have the mental wherewithal and deep, deep CPA/Legal benches to pull from. Because, I mean, fuck me.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

i have witnessed the prowess of the IRS and i fully endorse your account. The legal Community works in much the same way. Right and Wrong have no place in Litigation. The only thing that counts is can you weigh your poison's accurately? Verdicts and Judgements are erroneously attached to which side of the pendulem is more blantantly skewed by the GREAT EQUALIZER (red tape). If your lucky though, you might have had fun breakin what ever law caused you to be on trial. the same can't always be said for dealings with the IRS.

Truecraig said...

No dealings with the IRS are fun. And the law-breaking part rarely applies with the IRS. It's usually a decimal-point-placement issue. Nothing criminal.

But they get all crazy bureaucratic on a brutha. I mean, damn.

Anonymous said...

Damnit, I tried to block them out. You and me both have a fun loathing relationship with the IRS. Yep, for a couple of years I was their bitch to slap around and have their way with me. I was lucky I didn't get a tattoo on my ass that read "Property of the IRS" eventhough it was pretty close. Even now it still hurts to sit. ouch.

brother nick

Truecraig said...

Mine feels more like a hot-iron branding than a tattoo. Whenever I get one of their friendly envelopes in my mailbox, my anus immediately seizes and begins to weep.

They may drive me to drink. More.