Thursday, December 01, 2005

Another Seasonal Ramble and the Thing

I love the holidays, I really do. Charlie Brown. Flocked bushes. Tinseled train sets and shit. But really, I only like the holidays for the feeling that I get in my gut, not for the overblown, Hallmark-fueled disaster of it all. I like the smell of Christmas trees. The taste of hot cocoa. Chestnuts roasting on… I couldn’t pick a chestnut out of a nut lineup. I always get busy busy busy around the holidays, and that’s okay. I hope you’re busy too, as it is a sign of progress (or early demise, which might also be considered progress, if only for someone else).

So, in the spirit of this holiday quarter, I have a seasonal rhyme for the house. I did one last year too, and it also sucked something awful. Sucking is the new pink, haven’t you heard?

Hark, the Hell’s Angels sing!
With wreaths weaved with meth and bottle brush shanks.
Where the hell is my cheer?
Lights on the tombstones of kazoos this year.
Pumpkins to peppermints to champagne on the floor.
Santa’s not gay, I’m pretty sure.
I want the Olsen twins in my stocking. Now.
Trickin’ sure is a treat!
Unless there’s weeping scabs involved.
Lumps of coal.
Butts of cigarette.
Three bottles of empty Shlitz.
Feelin’ the spirit yet?
George Michael never really cared,
whether they knew it was Christmas Time At All.
Santa’s still not gay…
but he might swing for thick chest hair.
Jinglin’ my bells.
The rotting turkey smells.
I’ll be hungover Christ-mas day.
It’s no fun, to not be snide, when hookers ask for pay, HEY!
33% less consumptive spirit will be felt at registers this year.
That’s like punching the baby Jesus for crying.
He sleeps on hay, which has to chafe.
Target’s got discounted influenza on every aisle.
I’m giving out STDs this year.
Again.
Hark, the Hell’s… where’s that pipe at?

9 comments:

dungsta said...

"punching Jesus for crying" lol...that chumps so needy!!!

Debbie said...

That's festive!

Anonymous said...

Oooooooh, STDs, nice. Do we get to choose or is it whatevers? Can't wait!
brother nick

Glitzy said...

I can't post a comment on Mc No Can Do. Weird. The page comes up blank.


Anyhow...chocolate goes with nothing?? Chocolate and raspberry is divine IMO. You don't like chocolate and peanut butter? Hmmm..

Truecraig said...

Well, it wasn't actually about condiments per say. It was more of a thinly veiled social commentary, posed originally from the POV of a middle school art class teacher.

A metaphoric description of where I see the general mind of public education.

Sean said...

chocolate goes with peanut butter. Chocolate also goes with mint. But mint does not go with peanut butter at all.

Discuss.

Because Craig HATES mint the way he used to hate mayo.

Traitor.

Truecraig said...

I still hate mayo, but only because it tastes/smells so disgusting. I can down it if I have to, just like ear wax tastes horrible (don’t lie, you know it), but can be successfully eaten (if only by accident).

The mint thing is more of a physical issue for me. Gag factor.

Chocolate + mint = vomitous expulsion of Craig's entire digestive system.

Anonymous said...

Man, you got a case of comment bleed over going on here. I think that if you smear a line of mayo across your screen between the two posts, it will keep the comments on their respective posts. Also, you got a problem with datestamps here. A little mayo in the cd drive will lube up you computer's clock real good and get your dates back on track here. -Vance

Anonymous said...

oops, i just got it - you're using the european date writing format. Nothing gets you back on good old 'merican date writing format like some mayo shoved into your keyboard until it makes a squishing sound when you type.