Monday, December 05, 2005

McNo-Can-Do #3

Condiments. Yep. Mayo remains disgusting, but I left it in for the sake of a cohesive concept.

Condiments: A Middle school Art Teacher Fumbles Through Discussion of Race Relations

In life, it is easy to believe that the sidelined tastes that end up on the tips of our palates should be kept separate from one another. As if they would feud upon contact, and render a combined flavor akin to that of animal feces.

But this just isn’t so. Feel free to digest this analogy: keeping your condiments apart is the same as lodging a handful of sporks deep into your anal canal while riding a cross-town bus with no air conditioning. Your initial reaction to that fun-loaded imagery is sound: sure, it sounds like a gas, but man, it wastes what precious little time we have on this rounded, mostly wet planet of consumption opportunities. Precious, precious little time.

How little time? Not enough time to bother with the segregation of our condiment population. That’s how goddamn little.

You see, there is something truly beautiful that happens once the mayonnaise has been properly spiked with mustard. Just a knife-load will do. The flavors combine in such a manner as to become superior to their individual elements. Mustard, by itself, tastes something close to salted copper, while mayo tastes pretty much like what it is: rotten eggs and degraded animal, vegetable, or nut essence.

But if you put the two together, a free vacation for two on a Carnival cruise explodes across your capped molars, and you feel as if all your worries were set ablaze by My Little Pony and some cotton candy-ish Care Bears.

But chocolate, unfortunately, goes with nothing.

14 comments:

Impulsivecompulsive said...

Blasphemy! Mayo is good. Beyond good. Hell, mayo is a meal unto itself. Mustard need not apply, it's all about the mayo.
Mmmm...mayo.

Anonymous said...

i know this is odd but i ditest ketchup. ketchup to me is like ranch dressing. people find the worst places to put ketchup and consider you insane if you don't like it.

ranch & ketchup is for people who hate the taste of food. all condiments besides hot sauce, salt, and pepper, are travesties to properly cooked food!!! (in my book at least)

carmenjayne said...

Don't be a ketchup hater! It is like a red tomato salty flavor bomb in one's mouth. Yum. AND yet I can still enjoy good food. Like chocolate. Chocolate and caramel. Chocolate and peanut butter. Chocolate and marshmallows and graham crackers. Chocolate and baileys... WTF C??

Truecraig said...

This is meant to be metaphorical. It isn't about condiments specifically, and I need to change the title (I forgot to put it in there).

"Middle school Art Teacher Fumbles Through Discussion of Race Relations"

Sean said...

Chocolate and mayo.

Nooo, Bacon and Mayo. That would fuck my shit up. Like blow a fuse because I have to eat it because it has bacaon but I can't eat it at the same time because mayo makes me vomit.

And I do not understand at all how this discussion pertains to race relations, art or middle school.

I am dense tho.

Truecraig said...

It is my interpretation of how race mixing is actually, unintentionally, treated within the lower levels of the public school system, as explained by an art teacher therein (educated, philosophic, but not necessarily debate-dynamic, therefore more apt to be both liberally biased and inadvertently honest), who is too under/overwhelmed by the idea of it that he/she chooses to use a condiment metaphor in which they get lost in (pushed to consumption discussion because it is both "on their mind" and much easier to throw out in an impromptu manner), which ends up with them double-backing over themselves. As we all do when we realize our half-logic is flawed. They end up practically admitting the colder-than-initially-admitted truth anyhow.

That was my main intent with the thing, anyhow. I always have ulterior motives for the sweeney's pieces.

Impulsivecompulsive said...

See, now that you've posthumously elaborated through the new title and all, my original comment makes me look like a white supremacist. You should warn in advance, so I'm not out there screaming, "Go Mayo! Fuck the rest!" There's a good chance that might not go over well.

Debbie said...

Bullshit, Chocolate goes with me!

Anonymous said...

CJ; i accept the fact that im in the minority when it comes to ketchup (and condiments in general). Don't think that i judge people based on my expectations of myself- im not related to the Bush's.

S; i find your hatred of all things mayo to be one of your strengths- secretly, i think mayo hates itself as its nothing more than an emmulsion not an actual chemical bond.

C; i like the fact that you are secure with your condiment persuasion and that you are open enough to reveal your thoughts on it.

Sean said...

condiment-race relations:

mayo = anglo
chocolate = of african descent
mustard = asian?
curry = south asain?
ketchup = ummm communist?

Truecraig said...

Actually, Sean, the teacher's take is only meant to nail down that they only REALLY see three basic races at any given point in our history: Mayo and chocolate are discreet (assume what you want as to their assignments, but I did not intend it to be the most obvious – think of all the “them vs. us” periods in American history) while "mustard" ends up as a catch-all for everyone else. Again, the racial element was the overall focus, but it's the flakey metaphor and divergence from topic (toward consumer habits) which makes an effort at the point I was shooting for.

I feel like I’m spoon feeding now, but it helps me learn to put more effort into these things.

And yes, Impcomp, you are obviously a raving racist. I recommend eating a Hershey's bar dipped in salsa-ketchup in order to redeem yourself. Whoo-hoo!

Roy said...

Nothing beats a chicken mayo sandwich with tons of pepper on thick bread. You can take your salad crap and shove it.

At the same time, thick crusty bread, mayo, a dash of mustard and sliced steak is the reason I love being alive.

And you're right, chocolate goes with nothing, which doesn't stop all the idiots trying to mix it with fruits and berries (It doesnt WORK you assholes).

Benji said...

Chocolate goes with peanut butter, smart guy.

Truecraig said...

Roy, the whole mayo thing kills me. It really does. I honestly believe that mayo is goat jism. Fetid goat jism.

But, to each their own, right? Sweeeeeeet.

Ben! Kick ass! And yes, depending on what you are alluding to, chocolate does indeed go with peanut butter. Peanut Butter M&Ms happen to be my most favoritist of candies. They're so fucking good that whenever considering them, I feel the need to punch myself in order to calm down.

Okay. Calm.