Thursday, December 07, 2006

Hello Garbage Truck Man

Ever heard of some old dude get soaked in gasoline whilst trying to carjack an old lady at some backwoods Texas gas station? Like dude just said “fuck it, I’m taking this old bitch’s Tahoe back to my mobile home so the dogs can have something fancy to live under”?

Well now you have. (if that crazy link bothers to work) What a piece of work. Nobel winner, that guy.

My truck, quite fortunately, is not likely to ever be a target of such wanton thievery. No Denali trim package over here. Oh hell no. I just got my rear view mirror glued back on, and that’s got me pretty excited! Now I can see the urgent gestures of the people I accidentally cut off on the freeway because my steering is so damned loose! Alright! If only the windshield wipers, CD player, and differential would magically fix themselves, it’d be perfect *!

Red rocket, red rocket.

It entertains me to learn how people are judged by their car. If you drive a late model Lexus, you’re a posh asshole. If you drive an Eclipse convertible you’re a titty dancer. And if you drive an older, beat-up pickup truck with four cracks across the windshield, you’re a garbage man.


I gather this from the fact that every day there is new garbage that has been deposited in the bed of my truck. It just appears there, like magic! Trash sorcery! Beer cans, cigarette packs/butts, fast food packaging, dead birds, whole branches, and other unnamed, general detritus refuse. Stankin’ up the joint.

This is done because I obviously enjoy throwing other people’s trash away. I really do. I especially like throwing away food related items, like half-eaten hamburgers and apple cores. That’s awesome. Makes me delirious just thinking about it. In fact, I like dealing with other people’s shit so much, it might be comparable to how much Canada must loving dealing with ours.

Because I KNOW we toss shit in the back of their pickup bed like it was an abandoned apartment dumpster. Like, fuck it.

So, keep that in mind kids: anyone driving a pickup truck is a garbage man. Whether they like it or not. Feel free to drop trou’ right in there to help with the compost!


*Safe and drivable.


Anonymous said...

Ha! Well, I wasn't able to see the link. Thanks for making me laugh, Mr. Garbage Man. I'll happily empty the trash in my car into your truck bed, now that I have someplace to dump it!

EcamirG said...

i want my dead bird back, you son of a bitch. i put it down for two minutes and you just drive off!

Debbie said...

I can totally relate to your predicament. The exact same thing happens with my bicycle basket.

Truecraig said...

Aimee, I fixed the link. It's worth a second try.

Grimace, I'm considering calling you Boo Radley. It will be awesome.

Deb, aren't you still in Canada? Do they even HAVE garbage up there?

Debbie said...

Yes, I am still in Canada, Montreal to be exact. And yes, we have garbage and lots of it.

My home town is toronto. There is also a lot of garbage there. In fact, the great state of Michigan has been taking garbage from the Greater Toronto Area for decades. I mean, we all know that is all Michigan is good for.

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