Thursday, September 30, 2004

Me No likey

Not that you care, but I dislike:

Q-tips in my ear. Sure, it seams all hygienic and shit to clean that wax from your head-holes. But, the sound it makes… like Styrofoam rubbing against Styrofoam… and so LOUD. My teeth are grinding just thinking about it. Ava makes me do it. She's girly like that.

Sizing convention at Starbucks. Small, medium, and large. That's the deal. Welcome to America. Shut the fuck up about anything else you burnt-bean nazis.

Herpes. Never had it, but I know I wouldn’t like it.

God-rock. Sure, maybe the good lord likes to “rock out” every now and again. Why not? JC might have headlined back in the day. Hell if I know. But if he did, it wouldn’t be to any of that “unto Him” bullshit. Was there something sooo wrong with gospel?

Wisdom teeth. Useless evolution-loophole tagalongs. Piss off and take that appendix with, you no food-grinding, abscessing, jaw crackers.

Parking meters. Didn’t I pay to have this road built? Didn’t I pay to install this meter? Don’t I pay the shmuck’s salary who checks the damn things? Why am I paying just to ensure that I pay for a shitload of other things I don’t care to pay for? In what way is this whole idea constructive or socially productive? Fuck-me-nuts.

Tighty-whities. If I wanted to snuggle any closer to my beloved testicles, I would cut them off and duct-tape them to my forehead.

Mayo. (an issue guaranteed to polarize) For the love of all that is holy. It was invented to cover up the smell and taste of rancid meat. Need I say more? I think Miracle Whip resembles whipped puss.

Festival beer. Luke-warm. Thirty-minute wait to buy tickets, thirty-minute wait to exchange tickets for beer. Always seem to lose stupid tickets. Plastic cup looks used. Half foam. Miller Goddamn Light. $4 per ounce. They only let you buy two at a time. There’s always dirt in it.

Later, dislikes.


5 comments:

ladykaen said...

let the polarization begin!

not to get too technical, but miracle whip isn't mayo. miracle whip is disgusting, chemically infested spooge. proper mayo, however, is made with real ingredients, and is gooooood. best uses: with all the other condiments on smokies, or mixed with garlic and or/jalopeno for dipping fries into (ok, i'm doing that on purpose to make you wretch, i can never figure out why americans have such a hang-up about mayo and fries!?) mmm mmm good. and mayo's also great for conditioning dry hair, bet you didn't know that! so there! ; p~

Truecraig said...

Conditioner? Sure, why not. I am sure that Mayo has all kinds of fantastic uses outside of its nastiness as food-paste... Fly catcher. Rat/slug bait. You could put a leaking tire into a bucket of the stuff to find out where the leak is (then throw the now-reeking tire away). Reasonable replacement for shaving cream (if mud is not available). I bet it would work swell as a short-term lubricant for ass-sex (the egg in it might vulcanize after too much heat and pressure though), if you can handle the smell of mayo layered upon the smell of ass.

However, I stick to my assertion that it is not an applicable aid to boost the flavor of any known food or food product. For me, at least.

ladykaen said...

actually, beer's a good slug bait. bury a bottle with just the neck opening free for the falling-into near their favourite hang-out, leave in a bit of beer. the smell will attract them, they'll slide in and die a happy, happy death.

(how the hell do i know all this shit? weird..)

anal sex lube, hm. i'll be sure to give that a try a give you a full report.

...smart ass. ; )
(er... pardon the pun)

Truecraig said...

Touche! Toosh...aye? Very nice with the puns and the lube and such. Good times, good times...

ladykaen said...

how about "tush, eh"
(heh, i'm so canadian)
and that's where the bad puns stop!
have a faboo weekend...